171.6, and caffeine, a dangerous drug

I had a caffeine overdose today. I need to detox but that is going to be ROUGH. The last time I went caffeine free I spent 4 days in a zombie like sleep state. Bad.

Also Gwen Stefani has amazeballs abs:




CASE IN EFFING POINT

If there is one thing I could change about my body it would be my tummy. I would gladly take on 10 extra pounds in my legs to have a flatter stomach. Although I know there are people that hate their legs, etc, etc. Never happy, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

172.something ish

This morning...172.something (I can't remember). I would have posted a picture but it was too horrifying. Hit the gym this morning and wasn't too bad on my diet. All in all not too bad of a day.

Best news, Sons of Anarchy is on tonight, Charlie Hunnam I will sit on your face.

Oh Hai, its been 6 months? Fo Real

I have not blogged in almost 6 effing months. Whassup with that? First of all I have been really busy with work, this means less down time at my desk to write hil-a-rious posts.

I have also been really busy gaining weight. Ha :(
But on the real I am fat again. I have gained back at least 20 pounds (oh thank you Thanksgiving for at least 4 of those pounds). I got back from Hawaii and got fat and lazy. I also had the Reno incident and the craziness that surrounded that debacle. So all in all yes I have been busy, is that an excuse to be fat? No, no it is not but that's exactly what happened. Lazy = bad.
Somewhere in all that busyness and work I lost my motivation. I didn't care and I found myself getting back into old habits (Hai Taco Bell, did you miss me?).

I am back to writing and back to dieting. Right now I weigh about 170ish I believe (the scale scares me right now). So 20 pounds, 1 pound at a time. I will get there. Healthy life for me.

I still have been going to the gym 3-4 times a week, so it's not the exercise that is lacking, its the abundance of food. Food you fucking delicious devil you, get away from mama.

Wish me luck!!!

Hi There, Fat Here

Haha, still fat over here. Have basically been on and off of my diet since Easter and my weight loss shows for it, as in I have not lost any weight but keep losing and gaining the game 1-5 pounds. Yay. NOT. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe my mind has decided I am done with diet, maybe I am too close to my goal and think that slacking off is ok. Either way it sucks and I cannot seem to find the motivation through a weekend to be good. I am not discouraged but I have definitely not moved in the direction of good for awhile.
In other news I have moved from my office, which was coincidentally directly by my boyfriends place of work, not working together, but a lot of seeing eachother. Now that I have been gone he has been very lovey towards me. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder. I am not complaining, it is nice to feel loved and appreciated, but I don't know why he has acted like that this week, and frankly I do not care.
Tonight is homemade chicken tacos, as long as my crock pot has not destroyed the chicken already.

A Creeping Creeper

I am making huge strides in my weight loss this week. I have lost all but .2 of the weight that I wanted to lose. When I saw 150.2 hit the scale this morning I almost cried. I am so close, and I want it so badly. I was able to finally get rid of the last few pounds that I have gained and lost quite a few times already. And looking back I have not really been on my diet seriously since Easter. Yes I have still been eating ok, but I was not religiously logging my food, and my cheat moments were becoming more regular. I have gotten back to regular this week and the scale is thanking me for it.

Sometimes my life seems so out of control, with worrying about money, schedules, jobs, things, I just become overwhelmed, at least this is one thing that I am happy with and can maintain.

A lot of people have asked me how I have lost the weight, I mostly say that I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and stopped eating crap, but there is a lot more to it than that. Weight loss is like a science, a game that you have to master. Here is my schedule and food on a typical diet day:
5am: gym time for 1 hour, either spin class, stairs, or treadmill
8:30am: breakfast 1/3cup dry oatmeal with 1 packet splenda and lately I have been cutting half a banana to add to it (or berries or plain whatever I happen to have)
10:30am: snack, usually a fiber bar or protein shake and a handful of walnuts
12:30pm: lunch, 3-4 oz. chicken or turkey lunch meat and either a salad or 1/2 cup black beans.
2:30pm: snack, handful of walnuts, or fruit bar
6:30pm: dinner, usually 4oz of chicken breast or other protein (sometimes turkey, steak etc.) 1 cup green beans .5 cup carrots steamed together. Or I will eat my green beans and carrots with black beans if I don't have a meat, sometimes I throw a cup of cooked brown rice into the mix, but stay mostly with these foods. Also sushi is a treat that I eat a few times a month, spicy tuna roll with a miso soup and a cup of edamame beans.
8:30pm: snack, my "dessert" I usually have a 100 calorie fudge bar or 1 cup sugar free jello

That usually adds up to roughly 1000ish a day and I try to maintain at least 1200.

I am hoping I reach my goal soon!

May makes me want to kill myself mmmmk

May, ah what a lovely month filled with longer spring nights, relaxing and preparing for your savage tan for summer...yeah effing right. For about the past 10 years of my life May has been full of events. First of all my Mom's birthday is May 7th, which is usually the day right around Mother's Day, yaay. Also my parents had the great idea to get married the next week so their anniversary is the 15th, now that my dad has passed we don't celebrate that anymore. One of my best friends, her birthday is the 16th, yeah we're gonna keep going to hold on tight. My boyfriend who is deeply involved in the aviation and war bird community...oh guess what ALL of the airshows that we frequent are in MAY! This year mom my is retiring, oh you guessed it, in May, as well as having a family get together after her retirement party at my house. This is not to mention that the past 3 years I have had friends all getting married, having babies, etc etc all in May.

What this usually boils down to is me having a fucking panic attack around March as my weekends in May become booked in a matter of a week or so. By the time I actually make it through the month I just want to die but cannot afford to because I have spent all of my money on fucking presents for whatever occasion is occurring.

If someone even thinks about attempting to book something the last week of April I just scoff and say "that's cute, I was booked in March, maybe next time get the jump and let me know mid-January, ok sweetie" haha.

I don't know why this all stresses me out so, but I am the kind of person who likes to sit at home and do nothing. I am not a get up and go yee-haw kind of girl at all. So the idea of running around like a chicken with my head cut off for a whole month just makes me want to take a damn nap.


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

But I still do it anyway, at least we are halfway there, only 2 more weekends to survive!

AHH Yeah

In just a few hours I will be getting the fuck out of dodge. It doesn't even matter to me where I am going, just the fact that I will be chillin in a hotel room (paid for even, boo-ya) doing whatever the eff that I please. This is exciting. Tomorrow we are going to the Planes of Fame airshow in Chino. (I know, lame, but we get everything paid for because we are VIP like that, lol). It should be all kinds of shenanigans and good times. Let me just say that last year at this same air show I got about 76 sheets to the wind, I mean ugly face crying in the bathroom with a girlfriend, and the next day had the WORST hangover to date that I have ever had. This hangover would probably been fine had I been able to sleep if off the next day, but no my still drunk ass was up at 5:30am, puking while trying to take a shower, puking in a cup in the car while I sat there hoping to die. It was bad. This year my goal is to NOT be that. Also to not succumb to the bomb ass nacho fries they sell there, no I will drink water and eat whatever healthy options are available :)

Oh Internet

I am trying to get over the major humps I have been having



Lol

I have been so effing cranky for a week or so now. I yelled at my boyfriend the other day because I did not like the way he handed me a pen! A PEN!



(I was like this but worse)

WTF is my problem? I am not sure. I have been getting so irritated by everything lately. And before we go on claiming its some lady problems or what have you, I can guarantee it is not. That ship has sailed for this month so I am coo. Maybe I am just in major bitch mode? All I ever want to seem to do is take a nap. I need a rejuvenation a la Ramona on Real Housewives New York (don't hate.)

On the weight loss front I am still struggling to lose the last 5 pounds. Which is probably because I have not been on my diet at all (duh).

So for today I hate everyone and everything. HAHA!

Hmpf

That is how I have been for the past few weeks. My boss finally finished escrow on her house and it has been IN-TENSE around here to say the least. They finally closed last Friday and we spent the weekend moving them in. I am so happy they are finally settled and ready for a nap. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Ever since Easter I have been having trouble sticking to my diet. I have still been going to the gym everyday but damn I have been a carb eating fool. I haven't gone out and binged on french fries, but I have not been keeping track of my calorie intake and I have been eating a lot of things off of my diet. This is probably why I cannot seem to lose these last 5 pounds. I am really determined but damn this shit is difficult sometimes.

I had a lovely Mother's Day. My boyfriend's family came over as well as my mom, sister, and niece and we had a BBQ (where I consumed entirely too much food) and then I laid down and took a GLORIOUS 2 hour nap. I am serious when I say that nap was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It was MUCH needed and I am so happy. It will go down in my nap history as top 5, for sure. Just lounged around the rest of the day. It was so nice and I wish that I had more days like that, where I am not running around and being busy.

It is dreaded Monday again, hoping I can make it through the week without crying or gaining weight!

Hi I'm Jen and I'm a food addict

I am still struggling with the last 3-5 pounds of my weight loss. I am having a REALLY hard time not eating everything in fucking sight. I have been going to the gym every morning but I just cannot seem to get the last few pounds off. Well it would probably help if I didn't eat everything in fucking sight. Lol.



OMFG how good does this look, and yes this is basically exactly what I ate for lunch yesterday. Diet what?

Now on a more serious note I saw a post on my diet site yesterday that a girl wrote about how she thought she was addicted to food and how that made her sad and depressed. As a nation who is largely overweight and alarmingly obese this struck a chord with me. I don't think we give enough attention to the addiction of food. Sure we love to watch shows like "Biggest Loser," "I Used to be Fat", etc etc but we like to see people lose the weight and be healthy again. A lot of those shows don't highlight the problem of food addiction.

I am addicted to food. I have struggled with this the past couple of years. While I could never understand why someone would drink themselves to death or shoot up heroin I certainly had my own shameful addiction that I kept secret. I wasn't doing anything illegal like a drug addict, but I engage in the same behaviors, look for the same high. I don't think that this is something to be embarrassed about, or ashamed of, but I do think that it does not get enough legitimate attention in our society.

Let me just delve into some of the things that I have done as an addict of food:
1. Making up excuses to leave the house to I could drive thu somewhere or hit a store and buy food to eat before I got home.
2. Hiding or eating in secret so family/friends didn't see how much food I was consuming.
3. Binge eating to the point of sickness and then feeling horribly guilty and then throwing it up to try and make myself feel better.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. As a food addict I think about food ALL OF THE TIME. While a normal person might say, "oh you just don't have to eat that," I do not ever feel that way. I love food and it is socially acceptable to go out and indulge in that love.

Through my weight loss journey I have dealt with this issue more and more. I think it needs to be out there. I will always love food, with such a passion, but I have been working on my relationship with food, try and tame the beast.

Ramblings

Warning this post will contain random brain ramblings:



Yes a lot like that.

First off I am only 2.6 pounds away from my original goal weight. GO ME! I have been struggling with these last 6-7 pounds SO badly. For those of you who diet you know how hard it is, for those that don't suck it :)
After I get to my goal weight I am going to do the happy dance for about an hour, then evaluate my body and go from there. I am already in the "healthy" or "normal" range for my weight and BMI, but I think I would like to go 5 pounds more because I am still not entirely happy with my body (aka I have a fat ass still).
Then if if/when I lose those extra 5 pounds I will reevaluate and so on and so forth. I feel like this will be healthy "mini goals" for myself instead of adding on another 15 pounds that I need.

Bottom line is that I am so proud of myself for getting even this close. I don't even remember the last time I was at this weight. I look good, I feel even better and I have worked damn hard to get here. There is still a long road to come, but I say Bring it on!



(lol like this but fatter)

I have been so happy in my personal life lately. I have a lot to be thankful for. My relationship has been growing and we have both been working on our issues together. Mainly I am speaking up more about my wants and needs and he has been very accepting and supportive of this...something I should have done a long time ago. I am enjoying more time with my family and close friends and I am happy.

Now if I could just have a lot of money and not have to work I would be set!



Basically this will be me

Happy Good Friday!

Friday is my favorite day of the week. Well actually Friday at 5:00pm is my favorite day of the week. I LOVE my weekends, as do most people. Two whole days to basically do whatever the eff you want to do and not have to worry about work, getting out of bed, or basically doing anything.
I had this discussion with my girlfriends last night enjoying a class of wine on the back patio...the desire to do nothing at all. Its bad when a stay in the hospital sounds enticing, hey free vacation. This weekend I have lots planned, Easter with the family, a party or two, should be good fun. SLEEPING IN, OMG, YES! I don't mind too much getting up to hit the gym at 5:30 am but Jesus do I love to sleep.
Here is to good weekends, sleep, and doing nothing!

To The Max!

I am STRESSED out yo. Crazy mad stress. In one day I got a short paycheck, realized my water payment never went through this month so now it is past due, got a COLLECTIONS bill from the library for late fees, AND have to pay my car, student loan, mortgage, pool pump, cable, gas, gym fees, ETC all with negative dollars. Oh and don't even mention gas at the rising costs, plus I have absolutely no food in my home. Needless to say a mothafucka is broke. Money is no joke in life. I realize that I could have it a lot worse, a lot of people do, but having no money and having bills to pay is cause for panic. I usually run a tight ship with my money and at least make sure all my bills are paid and have enough left over for sushi or something, but this month...damn I am hurting. No worries, I will survive, prevail and move on as I always do. Or ignore the problem because I can't do anything about it.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!?!?

I woke up to go to the gym at my normal 5:30am. However this morning I was wracked with a sharp intense pain in my lower abdomen. I got up, peed, and tried to get into my gym clothes but it was just too painful. I skipped the gym this morning, popped 2 Tylenol and hoped it would go away.
Not only was I hoping it was just a case of painful poop issue, but I do NOT need some weird baby uterus tumor thing causing me to go to the hospital. I do not have health insurance, I literally cannot afford to have to spend hundreds, or more, to be medically treated for ANYTHING. Normally I am a healthy 26 year old female, no major problems, rarely see a doctor, but it got me thinking, WTF would I do if some shit went for for realz? I would be screwed.
After I woke back up the pain had gone mostly away, but now I am in search of affordable health insurance (HAHAHAHA). Sucks.

The One In Which We Discuss Food

Ah food. We literally can't live without it. But does that mean we have to go crazy? There is a big difference in "living to eat" and "eating to live" and I have been on the journey to discover that fine balance. I have not dieted all of my life, I have never had a "weight" problem, until the past couple of years. I guess I was blessed with a good metabolism throughout my young life and always ate what I wanted, as do most young adults. Then I turned 25 and that was no longer the case. My jellybean, vodka, funyuns diet certainly caught up with me, to the tune of gaining about 30 pounds over the span of 4 years.
Ugh
That is what I thought about myself. I was completely grossed out looking in the mirror, and forget looking at pictures. When did I get BIG and never even realize it? When did my "fat pants" become tight. What the eff is up with this muffin top? So instead of dealing with the problem I ignored it for awhile. I wore baggy clothes because tight clothes clung to my fat and made me feel fatter. I was so unhappy and didn't even know where to start.
On January 7th, 2011, after getting back from a camping trip on New Years, I did what I had been dreading for a long time, I stepped on the scale....
I hate to admit this but I feel like it is important to disclose fully, I was 188 pounds. Now some people may think that is not heavy at all, but for myself, who usually had spent most of my life between 150-160, that is ALOT. After my mini panic attack I decided it was time for a change. I hate to sound so cliche about it but I could no longer live the lifestyle I was living. Not only had I gained a lot of weight, but my skin was constantly broken out, I had developed a lump in my breast most likely due to too much caffeine consumption (damn DIET coke), my cholesterol was off the charts, I was literally killing myself for the sake of food.
As of the moment I write this I am now 153.6. I have slowly but steadily lost 31 ish pounds...and I am happy.
I am not happy because I am skinnier, that is not the point here. I am happy because I set my mind to something and have been doing it.
I am blogging about my weight loss journey because I cannot discuss it with people. I feel like people do not want to hear all the details about someones weight loss, but it has been such a HUGE part of my life now for 3.5 months that I need to talk about it. I need a place to be able to write all of the things I am doing, not doing, loving, hating, wishing, hoping, etc.
That is all I will rant about for now. However French Fries will always and forever hold a special place in my heart...even if I haven't tasted them in 3 months!

Huh

Just GAHHHHHHHHHHH

I Want Some More

I have not cured myself of my funk. Maybe I am being female-ish and silly. I don't know. I just feel myself wanting...MORE! More time, more fun, more love, more laughter, more of SOMETHING that I am not getting. The vicious truth is that I would quit my job in one millisecond if I had the means to and travel and drink and just be happy. Hmpf. There are things that I need. To be sad is not one of these things.

Bad Mood

I had to delete every post on this blog. It doesn't really matter why but it is what it is. Recently I have been feeling strong emotions again and that always means it's time to start writing again. I feel that it is one of the best ways for me to get out what I am feeling. Yes my entries can sometimes read the random ramblings of my brain but I like that, and I need that.
Today I am in a bad mood. I am cranky, frustrated, and ready to kill. I'm still not quite sure what my problem is. Women can be dumb like that sometimes and I suffer from the problem of becoming extremely quiet when something is bothering me, refusing to speak about it, and then being bitchy towards my loved ones when they can't read my mind and fix whatever issue I may be having. I hate that about myself, but that's the way I am unfortunately.
Anyway I am sad today, cranky and just felt the need to put that out there for the internet to know. Blah.