Hi I'm Jen and I'm a food addict

I am still struggling with the last 3-5 pounds of my weight loss. I am having a REALLY hard time not eating everything in fucking sight. I have been going to the gym every morning but I just cannot seem to get the last few pounds off. Well it would probably help if I didn't eat everything in fucking sight. Lol.



OMFG how good does this look, and yes this is basically exactly what I ate for lunch yesterday. Diet what?

Now on a more serious note I saw a post on my diet site yesterday that a girl wrote about how she thought she was addicted to food and how that made her sad and depressed. As a nation who is largely overweight and alarmingly obese this struck a chord with me. I don't think we give enough attention to the addiction of food. Sure we love to watch shows like "Biggest Loser," "I Used to be Fat", etc etc but we like to see people lose the weight and be healthy again. A lot of those shows don't highlight the problem of food addiction.

I am addicted to food. I have struggled with this the past couple of years. While I could never understand why someone would drink themselves to death or shoot up heroin I certainly had my own shameful addiction that I kept secret. I wasn't doing anything illegal like a drug addict, but I engage in the same behaviors, look for the same high. I don't think that this is something to be embarrassed about, or ashamed of, but I do think that it does not get enough legitimate attention in our society.

Let me just delve into some of the things that I have done as an addict of food:
1. Making up excuses to leave the house to I could drive thu somewhere or hit a store and buy food to eat before I got home.
2. Hiding or eating in secret so family/friends didn't see how much food I was consuming.
3. Binge eating to the point of sickness and then feeling horribly guilty and then throwing it up to try and make myself feel better.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. As a food addict I think about food ALL OF THE TIME. While a normal person might say, "oh you just don't have to eat that," I do not ever feel that way. I love food and it is socially acceptable to go out and indulge in that love.

Through my weight loss journey I have dealt with this issue more and more. I think it needs to be out there. I will always love food, with such a passion, but I have been working on my relationship with food, try and tame the beast.

Ramblings

Warning this post will contain random brain ramblings:



Yes a lot like that.

First off I am only 2.6 pounds away from my original goal weight. GO ME! I have been struggling with these last 6-7 pounds SO badly. For those of you who diet you know how hard it is, for those that don't suck it :)
After I get to my goal weight I am going to do the happy dance for about an hour, then evaluate my body and go from there. I am already in the "healthy" or "normal" range for my weight and BMI, but I think I would like to go 5 pounds more because I am still not entirely happy with my body (aka I have a fat ass still).
Then if if/when I lose those extra 5 pounds I will reevaluate and so on and so forth. I feel like this will be healthy "mini goals" for myself instead of adding on another 15 pounds that I need.

Bottom line is that I am so proud of myself for getting even this close. I don't even remember the last time I was at this weight. I look good, I feel even better and I have worked damn hard to get here. There is still a long road to come, but I say Bring it on!



(lol like this but fatter)

I have been so happy in my personal life lately. I have a lot to be thankful for. My relationship has been growing and we have both been working on our issues together. Mainly I am speaking up more about my wants and needs and he has been very accepting and supportive of this...something I should have done a long time ago. I am enjoying more time with my family and close friends and I am happy.

Now if I could just have a lot of money and not have to work I would be set!



Basically this will be me

Happy Good Friday!

Friday is my favorite day of the week. Well actually Friday at 5:00pm is my favorite day of the week. I LOVE my weekends, as do most people. Two whole days to basically do whatever the eff you want to do and not have to worry about work, getting out of bed, or basically doing anything.
I had this discussion with my girlfriends last night enjoying a class of wine on the back patio...the desire to do nothing at all. Its bad when a stay in the hospital sounds enticing, hey free vacation. This weekend I have lots planned, Easter with the family, a party or two, should be good fun. SLEEPING IN, OMG, YES! I don't mind too much getting up to hit the gym at 5:30 am but Jesus do I love to sleep.
Here is to good weekends, sleep, and doing nothing!

To The Max!

I am STRESSED out yo. Crazy mad stress. In one day I got a short paycheck, realized my water payment never went through this month so now it is past due, got a COLLECTIONS bill from the library for late fees, AND have to pay my car, student loan, mortgage, pool pump, cable, gas, gym fees, ETC all with negative dollars. Oh and don't even mention gas at the rising costs, plus I have absolutely no food in my home. Needless to say a mothafucka is broke. Money is no joke in life. I realize that I could have it a lot worse, a lot of people do, but having no money and having bills to pay is cause for panic. I usually run a tight ship with my money and at least make sure all my bills are paid and have enough left over for sushi or something, but this month...damn I am hurting. No worries, I will survive, prevail and move on as I always do. Or ignore the problem because I can't do anything about it.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!?!?

I woke up to go to the gym at my normal 5:30am. However this morning I was wracked with a sharp intense pain in my lower abdomen. I got up, peed, and tried to get into my gym clothes but it was just too painful. I skipped the gym this morning, popped 2 Tylenol and hoped it would go away.
Not only was I hoping it was just a case of painful poop issue, but I do NOT need some weird baby uterus tumor thing causing me to go to the hospital. I do not have health insurance, I literally cannot afford to have to spend hundreds, or more, to be medically treated for ANYTHING. Normally I am a healthy 26 year old female, no major problems, rarely see a doctor, but it got me thinking, WTF would I do if some shit went for for realz? I would be screwed.
After I woke back up the pain had gone mostly away, but now I am in search of affordable health insurance (HAHAHAHA). Sucks.

The One In Which We Discuss Food

Ah food. We literally can't live without it. But does that mean we have to go crazy? There is a big difference in "living to eat" and "eating to live" and I have been on the journey to discover that fine balance. I have not dieted all of my life, I have never had a "weight" problem, until the past couple of years. I guess I was blessed with a good metabolism throughout my young life and always ate what I wanted, as do most young adults. Then I turned 25 and that was no longer the case. My jellybean, vodka, funyuns diet certainly caught up with me, to the tune of gaining about 30 pounds over the span of 4 years.
Ugh
That is what I thought about myself. I was completely grossed out looking in the mirror, and forget looking at pictures. When did I get BIG and never even realize it? When did my "fat pants" become tight. What the eff is up with this muffin top? So instead of dealing with the problem I ignored it for awhile. I wore baggy clothes because tight clothes clung to my fat and made me feel fatter. I was so unhappy and didn't even know where to start.
On January 7th, 2011, after getting back from a camping trip on New Years, I did what I had been dreading for a long time, I stepped on the scale....
I hate to admit this but I feel like it is important to disclose fully, I was 188 pounds. Now some people may think that is not heavy at all, but for myself, who usually had spent most of my life between 150-160, that is ALOT. After my mini panic attack I decided it was time for a change. I hate to sound so cliche about it but I could no longer live the lifestyle I was living. Not only had I gained a lot of weight, but my skin was constantly broken out, I had developed a lump in my breast most likely due to too much caffeine consumption (damn DIET coke), my cholesterol was off the charts, I was literally killing myself for the sake of food.
As of the moment I write this I am now 153.6. I have slowly but steadily lost 31 ish pounds...and I am happy.
I am not happy because I am skinnier, that is not the point here. I am happy because I set my mind to something and have been doing it.
I am blogging about my weight loss journey because I cannot discuss it with people. I feel like people do not want to hear all the details about someones weight loss, but it has been such a HUGE part of my life now for 3.5 months that I need to talk about it. I need a place to be able to write all of the things I am doing, not doing, loving, hating, wishing, hoping, etc.
That is all I will rant about for now. However French Fries will always and forever hold a special place in my heart...even if I haven't tasted them in 3 months!